They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
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My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
anyone know how to get an air guitar out of a vacuum?
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.