Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
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Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.