My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
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Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
My whole life just flashed before my eyes and there was way too much cauliflower.
If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
My good tweets are in my other pants.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…