*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
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This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
My problem isn’t that I lose all my chapsticks. It’s just that I don’t remember which one I used the last time I had the flu.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
FRENCH IS A MYTH INVENTED BY THE GOVERNMENT TO MAKE US BUY MORE ENGLISH
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
RT if you could go either way.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.