I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
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ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower