You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
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him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
I don’t like atheism. I’ve worked too many minimum wage jobs for someone to tell me there’s nothing after this. I once waitresses the smoking section of Applebee’s. Smelled like divorce papers signed with a gun shot. I need heaven!
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
son: and this one?
me: also carrots
son: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 2 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?