“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
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Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Whenever you introduce someone, put air quotes around their name.
I want you to meet my friend “Ami”
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?