It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
rise and shine we got egg
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*