One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
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This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
oh my gosh!!
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.