“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
You Might Also Like
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
Mistakes were made
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
Lmao
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.
Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
#ParentingFacts
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.