girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
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Can I donate fat instead of blood?
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I’m all for the scientific method.
Right now I’m experimenting to see how much swearing makes other parents stop inviting you to things.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
On the list of things I’ve learned today:
1. You’re not allowed to walk a police dog
2. Pepper spray recovery time is 37 minutes