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I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!