“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
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If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*