If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
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Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
Just ordered me some pizza!
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.