Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.His need for me and only me.
• The cat wants to be fed.
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It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…