Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
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Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
Okay
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.