Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
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I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!
My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
Me in tagged photos
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes