Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
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HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
can I use a minion as a tampon
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.