1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
me irl
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.