If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
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Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.