If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
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“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
me linking you to my twitter
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.