if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
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Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer