I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
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Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”
Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”
*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)