bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
You Might Also Like
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*
Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something
And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.