Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
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Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
My life in a nutshell
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
A new level of troll.
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?