[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
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My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car