“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
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The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
They must have gotten it to go.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.