Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
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Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Just parrot things
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
[mcdonalds]
me: two marijuanas please
employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru
me: two McMarijuanas please
Well, this is awkward
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
Yeah breakups are sad but have you ever come home to find out you forgot to turn on your crockpot?
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Yep.
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good