Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
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*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
*limbos away from your hug*
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
There are no pants in heaven.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.