did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
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If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
Why do they call it “book club” and not “no one had time to read it but we’re still gonna get together and drink club”
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.