*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
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I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
Find out where your enemy lives and release 10,000 woodpeckers in his neighborhood.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
*passenger next to me starts putting on headphones*
Are you mad at me?
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*