[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
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Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Gemma Correll
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Him: you’re so cool
Me: thanks
Him: …and aloof
Me: thanks
Him: it’s like you were raised by cats
Me: *licks his face* huh?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords