thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
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Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Wife: Why is there a bouncy castle in the garden?
Me out of breath with no shoes on: I’m not sure.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Everyone’s family
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Yes my dude
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.