Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
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“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.