I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
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Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*