Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
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me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
$3 #books
181.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Cannibal Subway:
Eat Flesh.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Human: what’s up with all the anal probes?
Alien: [shrugs] seems like most of your species keeps their head up there.