HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
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If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
You: My kid loves piano
My kid: *licking the piano keys*
Me: Same
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.