Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
You Might Also Like
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Tour guides often say to me “that’s a great question,” but I like to dig deeper. What was the wow factor? Let’s spend some time on this.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.