Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
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Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My work here is done
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
Pass gas, not judgment.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Freezing bananas before they go bad is a great tip I learned 6 months ago. Now I have a freezer full of bananas
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.