🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
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Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Day 2 of my diet
My birth announcement for our third baby
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
accurate
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.