You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
You Might Also Like
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
Big fight with the husband, apparently there is a correct way to roll up a garden hose.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.