Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
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the three genders
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
6yo: I got dressed, took my vitamins and got my cereal.
Me: My baby is all grown up, she doesn’t need me anymore! [Sobbing]
6yo: Ummmm well I still can’t spell supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Me: ᴺᵉᶦᵗʰᵉʳ ᶜᵃⁿ ᴵ [sobbing]
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this