If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
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People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Somebody call the cops.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Holy crap this is wonderful
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I buy mixed berries because I like them, but really I enjoy eating blackberries with raspberries, and imagining that I’m eating the world’s tiniest chess board.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
If watching 80’s music videos has taught me anything, it’s that you don’t need talent if you have a fog machine.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”