I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
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About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
#StillHurts
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
R.I.P.
I like my women like I like my eggshells: white and broken.
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.