My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
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My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Over the last few months I鈥檝e collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business?
Me: Oh no!
Wife: What?
Me: Bankruptsea!
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 馃槒”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
You’re only as old as the sounds you make when you get out of the car
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.