Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
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still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
Juliet: you know it’s true love, when you finish each other’s-
Romeo: LIFE
Juliet: [sighs all annoyed] like why do you say shit like that?
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.