My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
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[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what parents do.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.