ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
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You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work