I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
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*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Tom Waits has officially hit peak Tom Waits
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes