[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
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If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
A man 20 years my junior just stepped right in front of me without saying excuse me. So I tripped him and he fell down the stairs. I asked him if he was okay because I have manners.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.